Home life
My mom has to buy me my basic necessities because I cannot afford to do so myself despite the hundreds of hours of work I do, this destroys my self worth. She also lets me know every chance she gets how much of a child she thinks I am and how if I where a real adult she wouldn’t have to x or y for me. She agreed to cover expenses during school if I finished my externship but obviously has a problem with it and lets me know every chance. I saw a therapist for a couple weeks and it improved my mental illness but it was too expensive to keep up and she wanted me to stop smoking weed. My mothers mental illness is much worse than mine, I thought it was selfish of me to continue. This destroys my self worth. Even as I type this my computer is lagging I cannot do very basic things like type a period or have a couple of pages open at the same time. My fingers are pounding on the keyboard so everything is spelled correctly. My mouse also is broken. My car has a hole in the roof which it has adorned since I got the car in early 2011. The only inkling I got from my dad that he wanted to fix it was when he was talking about selling it. Apparently my comfort and dryness aren’t a main priority to him (surprise). I love the rain but I hate it when I drive to work and it starts raining. I know the inside of my car is getting soaked and there is nothing I can do about it. My brother broke a window when he was locked out and trying to get into my room. The winter months are hard, I sleep in a sleeping bag at night to keep from cold. I’m always cold.
Goals
Fix window <$100
Fix computer
Fix car <$300
New cage/food for Aus $100<
Move out <$3000
Work
I am an intern that is unpaid for 360 hrs which is about 3 months of slave work. This kind of work destroyed my self worth. what also destroys my self worth is chefs who have told me first hand that ‘I act like I belong in the kitchen but I do not.’ or something like this, ‘do you think you do anything here of worth here? Do you think I need you?’ I would like to note again that this is free labor I was giving. I’ve been treated like utter crap by all of my bosses and most of my chefs. I doubt he is going to offer me a permanent job at A frame. I can see myself shaking his hand and walking away from A frame never to step foot in one of Chois kitchens again. 3 months of eating dog shit for a fucking piece of paper that’s no more willing to get me a job than any other piece of paper on the street. 30+ thousand dollars wasted, a glorified home bum.
Goals:
Paying job
Adjust attitude
Friends
2010 I was getting over BSP boys. Josh and Richard helped but Richard got aggressive with me because of his feelings for me and josh moved away to Washington. I made a new group of friends with el rey and vince during spring shortly after my drug habit developed. Summer and fall where spent with rey but I soon got tired of lies drugs and his general ignorance and filth and moved on myself. Alpaca bole is my hone skillet but every now and then things are shaky because of his feelings for me.
Goal:
Make friends
Relationships
My relationships with men where terrible in the year 2011 even worse than the sexless 2010. I’ve had a ‘relationship’ with 18 year old men in the spring which developed a drug habit. I’ve had drunken get together with an ex, hotel rooms, puke in the glove compartment and all over action figures, cue self worth plummet. I’ve been hollered and hooed at by hundreds of men none of them think of me as a person with feelings and emotions just an object. Men disgust me now, they used to be a source of pleasure but now they are the root of pain for me. The more people put pressure on me to put out or act interested the more disgusted I am.
Goal:
Stay away
Therapy
Skating
I’ve moved from new recruits to FM2 in 2011 something that has taken our new recruits months has taken me a year. All the FM2 girls I skate with don’t even have any scuffs on their skates from FM1 and they all sport new gear while mine is falling of my body in huge chunks. Wrist guards are too big as well as my knee pads and my skates have rips in the sides. I didn’t even make it into sub pool after all this work and broken bones. Although people from the same class as I am made it into CHARTER FUCKING CHARTER! Which now means everything within the league is bullshit. No ones position is worth anything if someone who has half the skill level and double the popularity can take a place on the charter. I’m sorry but that is bullshit. ACDG IS A BUNCH OF SNOTTY BITCHES. And for that you can suck my dick. I’m skating with them just to improve my skating ability and for no other reason would I tolerate such shitty people in my life. Fuck everyone this league that has made me intentionally feel like less of a skater. I’ve made almost no close friends in this year which was my main skating goal.
Goals:
New gear wrist guards, knee pads, skates, mouth guard. <$700
Reach Subpool
Become drive by trainer
Rollercon tickets<$130
Become a strong contributing member of creative committee
Mental illness
Self medication for anxiety with weed. Hundreds of PA’s and episodes. Brief therapy in the spring. No improvements.
Goals:
Afford medications – monthly <$80/treatment – monthly <$300
